Sorry guys deleted all my schitzo posts, gonna see what I do with this now...
I've never felt worse in my entire life.
A few days ago the girl I loved texted me, basically saying hey I noticed that you're ignoring me so I just wanna know why, and i told her well for the last weeks that we spoke you didn't seem too comfortable talking to me so I just stopped talking to you to not bother you, and she said well im sorry for that but I never meant it that way, and for anyone else this would've been good news, but not for the fucking idiot retard of me, I told her that's not the entire reason I stopped talking to you, tbh I liked you and I just don't think I can keep talking to you, and she said fine, I understand that, but of course almost immediately I started regretting that and I told her I'm sorry I've just lost a lot of people in my life recently and I thought that it would be easier if I just pushed you away before I lost you in some other way, but of course a frienship can't really recover something like that, I had the chance to fix things and I blew it, as always, but maybe it is for the best, maybe it is better if I just stopped talking to her, of course it would've been better if I never started talking to her in the first place, but it just feels so horrible, even more because I know it's my fault, almost 2 years of friendship ruined with one sentence, and I was given the opportunity to fix everything, but I didn't take it, I probably didn't deserve it anyways.
So yeah, never again, never again will I feel any sort of attachment for anyone else, I now realise what my place is, and of course never again will I have romantic feelings for anyone else, well, not rlly something I can control, but at least I'll never act on them again, the best way I can call the desire for a relationship is one of my chlidish illusions that will never come true.
Amidst all the chaos, I've found some peace in dragging around the pixelated sheep on my interactive wallpaper.
I hope the giant fucking comet of 3i atlas just fucking crashes into earth and kills fucking everyone and everything here.
I want to fucking shoot myself, I just wanna go out to the street, grab a cop's gun and shoot myself with it, my life is fucking misery right now and it just makes it worse to think that my life is comparatively great to most people's.
I just didn't know a person could suffer so much because of someone, I really miss the girl I love, every time I see her its just an overwhelming sense of shame and disappointment, I've cried for her twice this week, and I just wish I could talk to her again, she was the only woman in my life who still tolerated me even after getting to know me well, she will be until I die, event which I fucking hope happens soon.
I know I said that no love was honest but...I feel like what I felt for her was as honest as I could feel, much more now, I have to admit that I did feel sexual attraction towards her, but now I dont really, now I just wish I could hug her, hold her close, caress her hair and the skin of her face, and kiss her with all my love...all of which I know I'll die without doing.
And even though I want to die, I think I just wish I'd never been born, I'm scared of death, I don't know if there is an afterlife, I don't know how that afterlife will be, and if there isn't, then, it's just eternal sleep, forever, although I guess my ideal version of the afterlife would be a space where you can just rest from life for a while, if you were a good person then you'd get to choose what life you wanna live next, and if you weren't then youd just get randomly thrown to whatever life there is available.
In any case, I just...I want to avoid falling in love ever again, but sadly I know I can't avoid that, I'm just hoping its not as bad as this time, which I don't think it'll be because I won't try to make any personal connections to anyone like that anymore, that's just retarded, it's just gonna end the same way as now.
I'd say that if I ever get too desperate i'll hire a prostitute, but I know I'd be too much of a coward to even touch her, as funny as this sounds I'll actually die without having felt the loving touch of a woman.
I had fallen in love before, but it was when I was around 11-12 years old, when I found out that she already had a boyfriend I was destroyed, but I wasnt sad, I was just mad, that love was much more explosive I guess, and I genuinely thought that she may like me back, fucking idiot.
And before that, I also had felt love but...it was strange, it was when I was in 3rd grade elementary school, and I fell for a girl who was in 6th grade...yeah...I honestly don't remember how I even got to be her friend but she was my first love, the first (real) girl who I thought was pretty, and that time I also thought that she may like me back...fucking idiot.
My first crush was lilly from Pokemon Sun, you can tell I've always been a loser.
I feel like having a girlfriend was the only thing I ever really wanted in life, someone I could comfort and that would comfort me, someone I could traumadump and cry with and they wouldn't judge me, they'd just caress me and hug me and tell me it's ok Im here for you, but the only thing I ever got was a 17 year old guy grooming me when I was 13, another 17 year old using me for sex and that's it, that's all I'll ever get, that's all I deserve.
Soviet/Russian song of the day:
After idfk how much time Ive finally learnt how to embed in html
Anyways, I've been thinking hard about everything recently, and I've accepted and dealt with the fact that I will die alone, it's an undeniable law of nature at this point, every woman I'm attracted to is 1 of 4 things, Gay, not interested in a relationship, already has a bf/someone she's interested in, or isn't real, and that's a proven fact as well, I've done the fucking scientific method to that, it's a fucking fact.
In any case, love is stupid anyways, no love is completely "Honest" every relationship begins with a mutual desire to fuck each other, and while this may sound like I'm just incel posting, I'm really not, I have nothing against all the women that haven't felt attracted towards me, or women overall, I mean, bro, I wanna be one, in the end it is my fault for not being attractive, or well, I guess it's my parent's fault for giving birth to someone with the shitties genes imaginable, I have a risk of pretty much every genetic disease imaginable, and someohow I'm the tallest "man" in my family measuring 164cm. I'm not gonna translate that to shithead units for anyone reading in the united shitheads of 'murica, but thats 6cm, shorter than the average male height in my country, but I'm pretty average height for girl standards, huh, maybe I should live my entire life as a girl.
But well, back to the original intention of today's schitzo post, I've pretty much lost the ability to feel attracted towards (real) women, people in general, my libido also went down from a billion to negative infinity pretty quickly, although I think that's an effect of estrogen, which I have to go out and buy soon cause I'm running out of it, and when I do see a girl who I think is cute I just say "Wow, she's cute" and don't think much of it because I now know the previously mentioned rule, so it's useless to even try.
Also, I have to do something called my "social service" and at the beginning I had chosen a program which was about the challenges that migrants went through, and that's a problem that I actually gave a shit about, then they told me that I was the only person that chose that, and I do believe that, because every other program had to deal with children, and everyone's like omg children so cute, but I think they're fucking disgusting, I actually can't eat within a 5 meter radius of a child because of how disgusting they are, so they gave me a choice, I could choose between a program that helped children with cancer....by making them a fucking wig, sure, that may make the child happy, but what's that gonna do in the long run? absofuckinglutely fucking nothing, if the child can't stand the thing they will still fucking die, wig or not, and another program which I don't remember, I chose the cancer one because it was the one that required the least amount of interaction with the child, but then, on the second week of school, because the teacher that was gonna give us the class didn't show up for THE ENTIRE FIRST FUCKING WEEK told us "ok soooooo we're gonna be working with early birth children" and when the class was over I went to her and said: "Bro, this isn't what I fucking chose" and she tried to get me into the right program, and I honestly appreciated her effort to do so, but in the end the effort was in vain, so now, I have to work in a program with early birth children, and honestly, I don't think I could give less of a shit about an issue than I do with this, I seriously have no empathy for the parents, or the child, and I don't think it's because I'm a bad person, i think it's because I'm a good person, just fucking think about it, first of all we're gonna have to visit a hospital this thursday, and we're gonna have to cook lunch for the fucking parents, and that hospital is in one of the poorest areas of the city, if the child was concieved with the purpose of having a child, WHO IN THEIR RIGHT FUCKING MINDS HAS A CHILD IN THAT SITUATION, maybe it's not such an unsafe area, but really, even if the child wasn't born early, it's still gonna have a hard fucking time in life, if the parents don't pay attention to it, or don't raise it right, it's just gonna become a burglar, and either a street gang or the police will eventually come and kill it, and then so what? all the money you put into the child, all those years you were with it, it all becomes meaningless and for nothing, and now, add the fact that the child was born early, the fucking child will have a hard time at school, both socially and academically, noone's gonna wanna be its friend, the child's gonna suck at school, it's gonna get bullied and it will probably be even uglier than me, so it will have an even harder time finding a partner, it's special treatments are gonna cost it's parents in an already shitty situation even more money, and once again, it may all be for nothing, even if the parents do care and lvoe the child, the child may grow up to resent them simply for giving birth to it, and then all that love, care and money you put into the child is gonna be for nothing, honestly, I'd much rather support a campaign about pregnancy prevention, an organisation that focuses on distributing anticonceptives freely and that supports women if they want to get an abortion, I'd honestly be supporting that campaign even in my free time, but honestly, I would even go as far as calling this "Social service" inhumane, chances are you're gonna make more harm than good, my mother used to tell me to not do bad things that feel like good things, she almost never says anything that makes sense, or anything useful, but I think this is one of those few times when she's actually right, this is a "good" thing that seems like a bad thing.
Soviet/Russian song of the day: Grass near home
Lately, I've been feeling immature compared to pretty much everyone I know, about 2 weeks ago I overheard some people talking about getting their drivers licence to drive with their friends and whatnot, but personally im terrified of driving, I also think itd be horrible and stressful.
But of course, this is not all, noone is calling the school subjects by their basic names anymore, math (meth), history, etc. everyone is calling them by their actual names except me, but really what's so fucking fun about calling calculus calculus, and history multicultural perspectives, they're stupid names anyways.
I've also been told that Ive handled several situations immaturely, but honestly I think that I've handled them in a very mature way, and better than most mature people, I have put all my feelings aside and focused on what logically was the best choice.
I know I haven't really been writing much here, and I know that noone is probably seeing this but, I believe this is the only way I can vent without annoying anyone.
btw I'm trans lol, I've been taking estrogen for almost a month now, it's nice, I've felt some changes but researching more it seems to be more placebo effect than actual estrogen, since all changes ive felt apparently start happening after the 3 month period, in any case I have been having my doubts about it, I feel like I can't live my life as a trans woman comfortably, mostly because of my parents, I'm too much of a coward to fully separate myself from them, and my parents are transphobic so I don't wanna deal with that, so my plan is to be at a point where I can be a girl privately but publicly be a man, as much as I don't want to be associated with men I feel like I need to do this, if that makes sense, and from there stop taking estrogen.
Also, my life is going horribly really, the only thing that keeps me going is that I know that relatively my life is great, I'm rich, I donate a lot of money to several different organisations, and at this point I almost never buy anything for myself because nothing really makes me happy anymore, last semester was my last months together with a girl I fell in love with, of course she didnt feel the same way, she was a year older so she was going to college a year before me, but we shared a german class so I alwyas sat next to her, and we talked and I suppose it was nice, but eventually she stopped wanting to sit next to me and talk to me, and at that point she was the only girl I was interested in, until
I started noticing another girl, I had already noticed her a while back but I didn't wanna go talk to her because I was with the girl I fell in love eith, but when she started sitting away from me in class I got an obsession with this other girl, lets call her N, it was the closest Ive ever felt to love at first sight, ever since I saw her for the first time I was slightly obsessed with her but now more, she honestly was beautiful, she had beautiful hair, it was the perfect blend between brown, black and blond hair, and she always wore gothic ish asthetic clothing, and she was all I could think of, so one wednesday I said, fuck German class, I'm going to talk to N, and I did, I skipped German class and I looked for her, and I found her, and just when I was about to talk to her, I couldn't do it, I was too much of a coward to do so, so the next day I did the same thing, and the same thing happened, and finally on friday, the same thing happened, i was defeated and about to walk away, when I see my gay friend, and I just rush to him, explain the situation and ask for help, he helps me, and finally Im able to go up to her, I ask her name, and if I could get her number, and surprisingly, she gives it to me, so that afternoon I message her, and we start a conversation which laasts for 3 days, but not because it was fun, but because we couldnt really reply to each other quickly, and eventually the conversation turns bland on sunday, I don't talk to her on Monday, and on Tuesday I message her again, I say hey how are you, and no response, for a week, after a week I message again hi, do you wanna meet at school, and still no response, so 3 days after that I send her my final message, which was exactly this:
"Hi, I'm sorry if in our conversation I was awkward, or sounded uninterested, but the truth is that I was really nervous, I think that you are very pretty and I want to get to know you, so if you still have any interest in me just message me, and if you don't then I promise I will never bother you again."
Unsurprisingly, she didn't answer, it was the first and only time in my life I've ever told a girl she was attractive, but it was all for nothing, honestly after that I was still obsessed with her, I spent all 3 months of my vacations, every day thinking of what I could've done better, and when I got back to school everytime I saw her in the distance I still wanted to go talk to her, but I know my chances are basically a negative number, so now all I'm doing is avoiding her to avoid my obsession from rising too much again.
Besides this, noone wants to talk to me anymore, I'll wait until college to try and make friends again, and I figured out the formula to it, talk enough but dont talk to much, simply. As for getting a girlfriend, I've had a crush on 22 different girls and tried getting together with 18, and every one of those times has been worse than the last and there was only 1 time where I suspected that a girl liked me back, I don't know why I feel like i need it so much, logically it makes no sense, but people are bound to make decisions that don't make sense, I simply need to fight that, it's useless, it's time consuming and painful.
The only things that I'm graceful about are that in one year I'll never have to use the stupid, idiotic, nonsensical, frustrating, ugly and disgusting German language ever agaian, and that I don't live in the United Shitheads of America
Soviet/Russian song of the day: The gray haired boy
Kids...over my almost 17 years of life I have learnt one thing, I know I am still relatively young, I still have a lot of things to learn, but I am certain of this fact, this advice I am about to give you will one day save you from the situation Im in, and that advice is simply, if you love someone, and you know they won't love you back, don't even try, the saying "Its better to have loved and failed than to have never loved" is total bullshit, it is absolutely better to never have loved, instead of having loved and failed.
My trip to Sweden will be recorded in here
I just started watching girls und panzer and...oh it's beautiful, girls und panzer where have you been all my life?
For the first time in my life I don't have a clue of what the future looks like, I used to be able to predict the future, with pretty good accuracy I must say, but now I can't, all my recent predictions have been wrong in one way or another, and honestly it sucks.
I hate life, everything about it, I have to do school work for subjects I couldnt give less of a shit about or lamguages that I hate, when I come home I only have an hour to do whatever I like and then Im forced to go to sleep and repeat the same process again.
Besides that, even if I did enjoy school, so what then? when Im an adult Ill be forced to work an inhumane amount for a boss I hate to earn money that I won't have any fucking time to use, and when I get home Ill get home to a house that will need to be cleaned in the weekend with nothing or noone to make me happy that Im home.
I wish I could just kill myself, honestly, I wish I had an auto shotgun, aim it at myself and set it to full auto and do a mechanism to aim for the head first and then tear apart all that's left of my body, however there isn't really a way for me to do so, and I can't kill myself, like, I actually can't, somehow Im so incompetent that I can't even kill myself right, it turns out that if you try to choke yourself your hands just...give up eventually, and there's no way to control them, but maybe Im just a coward and I ignored this fact and deep down I knew I wasn't going to die and the only thing that I'd acomplish was to leave a humilliating memory of the event, it wasn't even traumatic, just...humilliating.
Christmas is near, bit in the end Christmas is just another reminder of my past defeats, I will never forget what I saw on Christmas of 2022, so horrible, so humilliating, I didn't know it then but now I know life is just mocking me, maybe it is a punishment, or maybe it's just the work of a sadistic god that needs something to entertain itself.
Why am I talking about Christmas if it's just November? cause Im giving someone their Christmas gift tomorrow, I know I won't see them on Christmas, In fact I don't know if I'll see them again, and I know ehat I'm doing is stupid, but I have to do this.
Все, что я хочу на Рождество — это ты.
My birthday is also near, but once again, it's meaningless to celebrate it, one more year of defeats, and...wait how old am I?...
Ok Im gonna turn 16, so I have 29 years of life left, why 29? I sinply have a feeling that Ill die when Im 45, but once again, my predictions have been wrong before and they may be wrong now, so.
Either way, as I was saying, if my parents really wanted to make something nice for my birthday they'd let me stay in my room all day doing whatever the fuck I want, I don't want to see my fucking family even if they have presents.
I wish I could be ignorant or selfish, then I could be happy, but people like me can't afford that luxury.
As the end of this period of my life looms closer, people keep telling me I should feel happy, however that is definitely not what I feel, instead I feel a sense of unacomplishment, desperation, deception, dissapointment, frustraion and uncertainty in my current situation and my future, even though it started well enough, its end was...bad, to say the least, everything ended worse than it already was, I achieved nothing, instead moving backwards in my goals, and I am going on a shitty school trip that's gonna add 2 more weeks of school and take away half of my vacations.
While this may seem a lot like a white privileged fuck thing to say, I am going to Sweden, and Im already fucking hating it, Sweden is apparently the third happiest country in the world, and to me that means 2 things, either they are extremely ignorant, or they are extremely selfish, there's no in-between, it has to be one of them, to be happy you need to be one of those things.
The school made us pay 3500USD for the trip so they could earn the most amount of money while cheaping out on everything else, the plane tickets had to be bought spearately and the flight agency charged us almost twice what a normal flight would be, plus it's gonna be like going to North Korea, except that if you go out of the tour they wont shoot you or put you in jail, they just expel you from the school, the course we're taking is "In a Swedish context" meaning it's gonna be fucking useless in Mexico, and I have no plans on moving out of this country, and they're taking us to places absolutely noone wants to fucking go, a recicling plant is one of them, and Sweden doesn't even look pretty, it looks like everything there is made out of fucking aluminium, fucking container yard looking country.
Today I was walking to Chemistry class, and I heard a girl yell at another girl:
"
STOP FUCKING MINORS!!!!
"
or, heard in Spanish:
"
DEJA DE COGERTE A MENORES!!!!
"
they don't feel good to touch
filled with bruises and scars
most accidental, but some intentional
bloodied,
some of that blood isn't mine...
But your hands look soft,
theyre clean and look nice and gentle to the touch
and that's why I know that...
I will never hold your hand.
Kids, on Sunday I looked at god in the eye, and He looked back, I said that I would never get sick again, but 2 hours later, I got sick, my stomach hurt a lot and I puked, I didn't come to school today, yesterday technically cause today is already tuesday, but well I spent my day cutting cardboard, I wanted to play ksp but I didnt for some reason, I did play pjsekai which somehow makes me feel a bit better whenever Im sick, and now Im watching Haruhi Suzumiya which is legit one of the greatest things ive seen in my life, and all the songs are so good, Id actually buy a cd of the entire soundtrack, Im actually gonna buy a 0art of the manga soon when I have more money.
lol, just checked on amazon and fs25 is the #1 launch in pc games...lmao
With every passing day, I start to believe more and more that the world we inhabit in in fact, isn't real.
A few weeks ago I read an article about scientists working on a device to make mere seconds feel like thousands of years, and this could be implemented in prisons to use the space better and quicker, but then I started thinking, what if thats exactly what is happening to us? think about it, there is noone who is truly happy in the world, everyone lives in some kind of misery, even the richest people of society, so maybe we are destined to live a shitty life in order to make up for our past crimes, the shorter your life or the nicer the less severe the crime, and maybe some of our personality from the previous world translates to this, maybe I was a genocidal dictator in the real world and thats why Im here, maybe the real world is exactly like this one, except that everything that went right there went wrong here, or
Wait...if we look at it from a religious point of view, maybe we are in purgatory, a last chance to redeem our past mistakes, a challenge that if passed will grant us an entrance to heaven and if failed will lead us to an eternal hell, that way everything about this world makes sense.
However, this is in a grander scale, if I look at it in an individual scale, then the prison theory is more coherent, this world just feels...especially tailored for me to suffer through it, Im always sorrounded by people who feel like a mockery from the universe directed specifically towards me, everyone around me has things that I wish I had, they're people who I wish I was, but no matter how hard I try I will never be able to be like them, and now Ive given up, so if the prison theory is correct there should be 3 outcomes, I live my entire life like this until I inevitably die and wake up in the real world, maybe I will wake up soon now that my spirits are essentially broken, or maybe the suffering will only get worse and more unbearable, of course if we are to follow this theory we should also take into consideration the way a person dies, maybe if its by suicide the person will have to go through their sentence again, reborn as a new person in an even worse condition as some sort of punishment for ending their own suffering early, if the person dies of natural causes or a disease then maybe that should be considered as the person finishing theur sentence, .
However, the method of suicide would also be considered, sacrificing oneself for something they think is worth fighting for may be an act of redemption, maybe for the less dangerous criminals this opportunity is given to them as an option to end their punishment early.
However, with all this said if we are to assume that every single person in the world was imprisoned for something in the real world, it is very obvious that the real world looks very different than the one we live in, around 1/800th of pur worlds population is in jail, so that would mean that if the other world is similar to ours, it would have to have around 6 trillion, 400 billion people, and potentially the physical size of the world would also be around 800 times bigger than this one, and if this is the case, then I am not sure what world would it be more terrifying to live in.
I have to do a school project, I was researching when I randomly started looking for saki again, which led me here and...well now I'm writing this, I need to focus more.
I FUCKING LOVE ASTLIBRA, Remember all the trash I talked about it last time? WELL IT WAS MY FUCKING FAULT!!!!! I WAS DOING EVERYTHING WRONG, I saw this bro do a gameplay and I realised that, so I restarted my save doing everything better, AND I DIDNT DIE ONE IN THE FIRST 4 CHAPTERS, and it took me 3 FUCKING HOURS TO BEAT WHAT I HAD BEATEN IN 24 HOURS
Chapters 7 and 8 still kinda suck tho tbh
Also, Im doing a review of Haruhi Suzumiya, so make sure to check out the anime page later
24/24 lol
I just finished watching an anime called gushing over magical girls, its uh...its...look, its just porn, like, the thing could actually be in a fuckin hentai site, theres a 4 minute long lesbian sex scene on episode 10, half the time theres nudity on the screen and the mc (whos actually kinda cute when shes in her main form) discovers she has a bdsm kink by battling magical girls and doing bdsm stuff to them, and the thing is I really dont know how to feel about this anime, its just...I didnt like it, but I just...I didnt not like it either, so...yeah...
Also Im playomg astlibra and uh...ITS THE WORST FUCKING GAME IVE EVER PLAYED IN MY LIFE, WHO TF THOUGHT THE SNAKE BOSS WAS A GOOD FUCKING IDEA? HOW TF AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW I NEED ANTITOXINS FOR THAT SPECIFIC BOSS, EVERY TIME THE GAME THROWS NEW BULLSHIT AT YOU, AND WHEN YOU GET USED TO THE OLD BULLSHIT, BAM, MORE FUCKING BULLSHIT THAT YOU HAVE TO ADJUST TO BY DYING 100 TIMES ON THE SAME FUCKING LEVEL, I HAD TO USE CHEAT FUCKING ENGINE TO PASS THE FUCKING SNAKE BOSS, BECAUSE AFTER 72 TRIES I COULD BARELY MAKE THE FIRST STAGE ALIVE AND BARELY BEGIN TO FIGHT THE SECIND STAGE, WHICH DOESNT HAVE A FUCKING CHECKPOINT, IF YOU DIE YOU DO THE WHOLE FUCKING THING ALL OVER A FUCKING GAIN.