Sorry guys deleted all my schitzo posts, gonna see what I do with this now...
I have once again deleted all my schitzo posts, the blog v2 has been archived FOREVER, if I ever become a famous or semi famous person I will release both archives of the blog.
Again, only 4 cuts though, I feel horrible, I just stared at one of my cats for a few seconds and that made me burst to tears, I didn't want to do it at first, I was scared, but then I told myself, remember how good you felt both times you did it, how proud of yourself you were, and I did it, but this time I didn't feel proud, I felt desperate, weak, helpless, I also cut with slightly more strength than before, some more blood did come out but it wasn,t much still, only a few drops, but I think I don't want to cut any deeper, which makes me feel bad because I feel like a coward again, and I just, I don't know if I want to keep going with this, I feel like I want to but, this time it made me feel so bad
I did it again, 10 more cuts, currently have 16, I feel regret for doing it, but at the same time, I feel happy about it, somehow this gives me happiness, I feel like I'll keep doing it more, but only on my left arm since my parents see my right arm a lot, and I don't want them ruining this.
I do want to cry as well though, but I don't know why
I cut myself today, I've been meaning to do so for a while now ever since I had a specially bad mental health episode related to hopelesness, I felt like I wanted to puke and pass out, and I felt like I had to cut myself, but that just made me want to puke and pass out even more, but today I finally did it, I took out the razor from a pencil sharpener, I deinfected it with ethyl alcohol and I started cutting my left arm, it took me a while to get started, I was scared, I did one cut and I was disappointed in myself for not cutting deep enough, and it took me so long to cut again, but I finally did it, and I got mad at myself for not cutting deep enough again, so I did it 4 more times, and still no deep enough cuts, I felt defeated, useless, but eventually I felt really proud of myself, I had finally done it, I had finally done something that made me so scared, and I know that the more pain I experience then the better other people will be, and Ill also have more determination to help others.
The scars are swelling a bit, but I dont think they'll stay forever, Im also looking for a new razor to cut myself with, I feel like the one im using is too small to properly measure how deep to cut (aiming for 5-6mm to leave a permanent scar but not permanent damage) or maybe not powerful enough.
title, today I had a dream where I had bottom surgery lmao, or at least that's how I interpreted it and I don't know why, I just remember that in the dream I said that, it looked as if someone cut my stomach open, took out my stomach and put a bunch of small stomachs in its place, when I woke up it was like 4 am, and I was shaking uncontrollably, I wasn't shaking a lot but I really couldn't control it, I tried to stop chaking but I couldn't, and my stomach just had the feeling of being on a rollercoaster, I still have the feeling when I touch it.
In all seriousness though, I probably just ate some spoiled food or smth
/
This song is peak af, the lyrics are...questionable but the song is really good, I heard some of the author's other songs and they made my stomach, head, upper part of my back, eyes and ears hurt, but not in a bad way, like, I enjoyed that feeling.
Soo, yesterday I want to a picnic with 2 of my friends, but I know they just let me go out of pity, I was just sitting there, only talking when being talked to because I really couldn't talk about anything, of course life was just mocking me, as it always does.
yesterday my last bird also died, I don't know why I managed to get so attached to both of them, the other one died a week ago, last friday, that day I told my parents that we should take the other one to the doctor because the other one was probably sick, and my parents being the idiot fuckers they are just said nah the other one is fine, it fucking wasn't, yesterday I woke up at around 7 am because I heard it moving around too much, I took it out of its cage and it couldn't even stand straight, I rushed to the kitchen to make food for it, I came back, and it didnt wanna eat, and it just got worse with every second, until eventually it just died, it literally died in my arms, even a few days ago it already had some symptoms of something, it was lethargic, didnt wanna eat much and yesterday it also could barely stand on its own, it was also opening and vlosing its beak without reason, I was almost getting ready for its death, but I couldn't avoid crying when it finally happened, which woke up my parents, I still can't believe my dad was more comforting than my mother, I mean he didn't do much but at least he tried, my mother just pretended she felt bad for me and then blamed it on me, and then she basically told me dont give a shit youre still going to school today, because even though it was saturday I had to go to school for some bullshit, I felt even worse than when I lost my cat, but well going to the picnic with them helped me clear my mind a little bit, or at least that's what I thought until I realised life was just doing its usual mockery and humilliation of me, while everyone else around me and a lot of people in the world were hanging out with their friends, their loved ones, I tried to as well, but I couldn't get that day's events out of my head, and I couldn't speak a single word because Im simply unable to make conversation, the next day I finally decided to turn my life around, I finally decided to set my life plan in motion, which I had been procrastinating for months because I still wanted to cling to that small amount of hope that I had left that I could be social, that I could talk to my friends, I now realise that was stupid and will never have that hope again, the plan is basically becoming an online prostitute to emulate the feeling of love and affection something like a relationship would bring me, I know it will never feel like a real relationship but it's the only thing I can get, with that I also finally decided to promise myself the promises I've been withholding for so long.
1: Never get attached to anyone or anything ever again, every person or thing Ive ever been attached to has been lost, has died or has abandoned me in one way or another, and I admit its my fault that they abandon me, but it still feels bad.
2: If for some unfortunate reason I do get attached to someone or something I will immediately stop seeing them to remove the attachment
3: I will always put everyone around me first, and me last, no matter how much it hurts me, most times it will be better if it benefits other people
4: I will never look for a romantic partner or friends ever again, very self explanatory
5: I will never look for sexual gratification in the real world with anyone, basically I don't wanna fall low enough to hire a prostitute, and I dont want to be used for sex by other people like I have been before.
6: I will NEVER be like my parents, never.
Those are all the promises I've made myself, yeah they all lead to a misrable life with a miserable end, but if I didn't follow them they'd lead to an even more miserable life with a slightly less miserable end, without these promises I'd keep looking for a partner, or keep having pets that I lovr and having them fucking die, and eventually I'd just shoot myself, and it wouldn't take too long really, a couple of years at most, with these promises I will still be miserable, but life won't have a lot of things to mock me with, in fact, I could be less miserable because without hope for a better life I'll just get used to living like that, and yeah sure I'll die of cancer or dementia or something like that but I think this life is better than the other one.
I actually did start prostituting myself today, the only problem is that most people sound like chatgpt, and it just makes the interaction feel fake, so for the moment I haven't found anyone that really lets me emulate the feeling of being loved, even though I know its possible, its not my first time prostituting myself in the internet, and last time it felt like that.
I also created an account for a site named epal, you basically hire people to play with you and they get paid, I also had to take a test to become a member, but a lot of the questions were bullshit cause they had 2 or more correct answers, but well at least that's another possibility to feel comfort.
But to finish up this entry, I really miss the fucking birds, I miss how they chirped when you talked to them, and how they always got excited when you had food, and how one of them climbed into your hand if you got it close to it, I fear that I may never get over that in my life, I fear that I may never get over a lot of things, but, I just hope that reincarnation is real, and that I have the chance to not be an autistic antisocial fuck in my next life, thats all I have left to hope.
Maybe, all I want now is peace.
A while ago I was going to try to fix things with my trump supporting, zionist parents, but that hope faded away when I heard my mom say that she understood why people loved Trump so much in the US, because she saw an article that talked about how muslims in New York were being allowed to pray on the streets and Christians were getting removed, my first instinct was to call bullshit on that, but to double check I actually tried searching for the article, and I found absolutely nothing, meaning she either saw a twitter post about it, or she pulled it out of her fucking ass, but for me this meant that my parents are too far off the deep end to try and do something about it.
But really, it just makes me sad, because they didn't raise me like this, when I was a wee lad I remember hearing them say shit like, you should never judge someoneon how they look, by their race, by their gender, by their sexuality, but somewhere down the line everything went wrong, I don't know if it was money or social media what corrupted them, but it was gradual, I gradually started becoming more right leaning, but eventually I realised that that was wrong, but they just kept turning more and more into what they raised me to believe was wrong.
That's why I currently try to avoid any interaction with my parents, because every time we sit down to eat they just start spewing bullshit, I know it's bullshit, and it gets me angry and I start fucking stress eating, whatever is on the table, if the only thing I can chew on is my shirt then I will, and it just gets me sadder whenever I go downstairs for water and I see them non ironically watching alien conspiracy tv shows, funnily enough we used to do that when I was little, but then they'd be the ones to tell me that it wasn't real, or reading an article on a newspaper I know is just propaganda, doing research is haard, and it takes so loong my mother says, bitch, you spend 4 hours a day watching tv, and I took 30 seconds to debunk your stupid claim, you fucking have fucking time. This happens every single day, and it gets me in a constant state of sadness or gets me deeper in the depression I currently am in.
I don't know why I even tried fixing things with my parents anyways, but it's probably because I have noone to talk to currently, I don't know if I ever will again, the only person I had who would listen to whatever bullshit I had to say isn't talking to me for whatever reason, I know that they're alive, I know they aren't mad at me because they sent me a birthday gift, and I know they're just probably dealing with their own bullshit, and I'm finally starting to ralise the fact that I will be alone forever due to my non existant social skills, not just romantically but socially as well.
The only thing keeping me going is the hope of maybe someday being a true force for change, and the hope of not having to work an office job, I'm planning on making an onlyfans when I turn 18, by then the feminine features in my body could be more defined, and I know there's a lot of people who want to fuck femboys/trans girls, I'm starting to build a social media presence so that when I finally do it I'll get a small headstart, if I am very optimistic, I could move out of my house even before I finish college, by that point I'd have literally 0 reason to stay there anyways, at least socially my life would be fucked, and as I said before, I really don't want to do an office job, I'd probably kms during the first week, I'm currently also starting to build a yutube channel, but I'll have several with different "Characters", I won't take any money from that, because I don't want to work with an american company, I'd try to take sponsorships though, I also want to have hope that when you die you are just reborn, and I want to have hope to be born in a better condition than this, I'd like to not cry every day, not have mental breakdowns every 2 weeks, and not have to hug one of my plushies or my pillow to fall asleep, in short, I don't want to be pathetic like I am now, i'd still like to be gender nonconforming though, conforming to your gender is boring.
Still, most days I just think that I should've just gathered the courage to grab my pencil sharpener razor and cut every vein in my body the day I tried to kill myself, it would have been painful, but maybe it would have been worth it, I know noone would miss me, and my parents probably would have just had another child.
Soviet song of the day: Zvezda Po Imeni Soltse (Star called sun)
Played Pavlov again after so long, and just...fuck, I still have the gift, it was such a beautiful feeling, being able to take my mind off of everything and do something that made me happpy and willing to live again, at the beginning I was having a heart attack because I hadn't been in a multiplayer match in what felt like an entire industrial revolution, but then I calmed down, locked in and played, like I always used to.
My school set up its christmas decorations, but you know, after I turned 5 or 6 I stopped looking at christmas decorations and saying "omg they look pretty" and instead I now say "Someone's gonna have to take that off eventually and that's gonna be fucking me or the cats are gonna take it by themselves eventually".
Besides this, I just haven't been excited about christmas since I was 10, even less now, so I feel like it's kinda useless, and I hate the hypocresy of my parents when they say something like "We won't celebrate independence day cause the country is going to shit" Yeah well more than half the world's population is in a horrible condition, and the entire world is going to shit, so why celebrate Christmas anyways?
Sitting in our mud filled ditch that we called our base, our general said:
I will be completely honest with all of you, it feels like...we have already effectively lost this war, and we only have two options, the first one is to surrender, they see it as a waste of resources to kill only six of us, and they believe we are demoralised enough to never rise against them again, the second option is of course to keep fighting until the very end, I will not give you illusions of a possible victory because there almost certainly isn't a possibility for one, first we'd have to break free of this encirclement using our rifles loaded with half a magazine, and then keep pushing until we take what remains of the country, the only advantage we have is that currently they are completely disorganised, but nonetheless...what will it be?
Me and the other four remaining soldiers agreed to keep fighting, after all we didn't really have anything to go back to, our houses were most likely destroyed and since we were the founding members of this revolution we had made a pact of sorts to not have families or anyone to be attached to until it was succesful.
It was hard to tell how the general felt about our decision, he had a face that made it feel like he was feeling relief and worriness at the same time, he started planning what could be our last counter offensive, and we all went to our rooms.
That night I had a nightmare, the enemy finally managed to place a bullet inside my heart, it was slow, painful and devastating, I had finally lost and would never have a chance to recover from the mistake that made that happen, feeling like that very same thing could happen in a few days only made that feeling worse.
I petted my grandparents dog today.
I also ate a banana after eating an unusually high amount of food and felt like shit.
I love having girl smelling hair...
I mean, I've never smellt a girl's hair before, but I've started using girl shampoo and it makes my hair smell really nice, so I assume this is how girl hair smells like.
Lately I've been thinking, I do want to leave this country, I want to go to Iceland or New Zealand, they're both meaningless in the global stage, war will never reach them, well maybe New Zealand, but it's unlikely, there is no crime, there are good social protections, there is peace among the people, but if I did I would just be a coward, I would just be running away from everything a lot of people aren't able to, but if I had someone to run with then I would definitely do it, I'd find a way to still help my homeland from one of these countries and I'd continue helping there, I would be happy like that, but I know that's never going to happen, I've been trying not to think too much about it, but the thought always comes back, and really in this position I wouldn't be of much help anyways, whenever I get home my bed just calls for me, when I start to lay on it there's nothing that can pull me out.
Maybe one day I won't be scared of death anymore, and maybe that day I'll finally be able to end my life, but I just hope that by that point I would've helped enough people to deserve a happy afterlife, if there is one.