Sorry guys deleted all my schitzo posts, gonna see what I do with this now...
I have once again deleted all my schitzo posts, the blog v2 has been archived FOREVER, if I ever become a famous or semi famous person I will release both archives of the blog, but until that day comes, I will keep updating my dream journal, and this will only be mundane stuff that happens during the day.
My school set up its christmas decorations, but you know, after I turned 5 or 6 I stopped looking at christmas decorations and saying "omg they look pretty" and instead I now say "Someone's gonna have to take that off eventually and that's gonna be fucking me or the cats are gonna take it by themselves eventually".
Besides this, I just haven't been excited about christmas since I was 10, even less now, so I feel like it's kinda useless, and I hate the hypocresy of my parents when they say something like "We won't celebrate independence day cause the country is going to shit" Yeah well more than half the world's population is in a horrible condition, and the entire world is going to shit, so why celebrate Christmas anyways?
Sitting in our mud filled ditch that we called our base, our general said:
I will be completely honest with all of you, it feels like...we have already effectively lost this war, and we only have two options, the first one is to surrender, they see it as a waste of resources to kill only six of us, and they believe we are demoralised enough to never rise against them again, the second option is of course to keep fighting until the very end, I will not give you illusions of a possible victory because there almost certainly isn't a possibility for one, first we'd have to break free of this encirclement using our rifles loaded with half a magazine, and then keep pushing until we take what remains of the country, the only advantage we have is that currently they are completely disorganised, but nonetheless...what will it be?
Me and the other four remaining soldiers agreed to keep fighting, after all we didn't really have anything to go back to, our houses were most likely destroyed and since we were the founding members of this revolution we had made a pact of sorts to not have families or anyone to be attached to until it was succesful.
It was hard to tell how the general felt about our decision, he had a face that made it feel like he was feeling relief and worriness at the same time, he started planning what could be our last counter offensive, and we all went to our rooms.
That night I had a nightmare, the enemy finally managed to place a bullet inside my heart, it was slow, painful and devastating, I had finally lost and would never have a chance to recover from the mistake that made that happen, feeling like that very same thing could happen in a few days only made that feeling worse.
I petted my grandparents dog today.
I also ate a banana after eating an unusually high amount of food and felt like shit.
I love having girl smelling hair...
I mean, I've never smellt a girl's hair before, but I've started using girl shampoo and it makes my hair smell really nice, so I assume this is how girl hair smells like.
Lately I've been thinking, I do want to leave this country, I want to go to Iceland or New Zealand, they're both meaningless in the global stage, war will never reach them, well maybe New Zealand, but it's unlikely, there is no crime, there are good social protections, there is peace among the people, but if I did I would just be a coward, I would just be running away from everything a lot of people aren't able to, but if I had someone to run with then I would definitely do it, I'd find a way to still help my homeland from one of these countries and I'd continue helping there, I would be happy like that, but I know that's never going to happen, I've been trying not to think too much about it, but the thought always comes back, and really in this position I wouldn't be of much help anyways, whenever I get home my bed just calls for me, when I start to lay on it there's nothing that can pull me out.
Maybe one day I won't be scared of death anymore, and maybe that day I'll finally be able to end my life, but I just hope that by that point I would've helped enough people to deserve a happy afterlife, if there is one.