Sorry guys deleted all my schitzo posts, gonna see what I do with this now...
I have once again deleted all my schitzo posts, the blog v2 has been archived FOREVER, if I ever become a famous or semi famous person I will release both archives of the blog, but until that day comes, I will keep updating my dream journal, and this will only be mundane stuff that happens during the day.
A while ago I was going to try to fix things with my trump supporting, zionist parents, but that hope faded away when I heard my mom say that she understood why people loved Trump so much in the US, because she saw an article that talked about how muslims in New York were being allowed to pray on the streets and Christians were getting removed, my first instinct was to call bullshit on that, but to double check I actually tried searching for the article, and I found absolutely nothing, meaning she either saw a twitter post about it, or she pulled it out of her fucking ass, but for me this meant that my parents are too far off the deep end to try and do something about it.
But really, it just makes me sad, because they didn't raise me like this, when I was a wee lad I remember hearing them say shit like, you should never judge someoneon how they look, by their race, by their gender, by their sexuality, but somewhere down the line everything went wrong, I don't know if it was money or social media what corrupted them, but it was gradual, I gradually started becoming more right leaning, but eventually I realised that that was wrong, but they just kept turning more and more into what they raised me to believe was wrong.
That's why I currently try to avoid any interaction with my parents, because every time we sit down to eat they just start spewing bullshit, I know it's bullshit, and it gets me angry and I start fucking stress eating, whatever is on the table, if the only thing I can chew on is my shirt then I will, and it just gets me sadder whenever I go downstairs for water and I see them non ironically watching alien conspiracy tv shows non ironically, funnily enough we used to do that when I was little, but then they'd be the ones to tell me that it wasn't real, or reading an article on a newspaper I know is just propaganda, doing research is haard, and it takes so loong my mother says, bitch, you spend 4 hours a day watching tv, and I took 30 seconds to debunk your stupid claim, you fucking have fucking time. This happens every single day, and it gets me in a constant state of sadness or gets me deeper in the depression I currently am in.
I don't know why I even tried fixing things with my parents anyways, but it's probably because I have noone to talk to currently, I don't know if I ever will again, the only person I had who would listen to whatever bullshit I had to say isn't talking to me for whatever reason, I know that they're alive, I know they aren't mad at me because they sent me a birthday gift, and I know they're just probably dealing with their own bullshit, and I'm finally starting to ralise the fact that I will be alone forever due to my non existant social skills, not just romantically but socially as well.
The only thing keeping me going is the hope of maybe someday being a true force for change, and the hope of not having to work an office job, I'm planning on making an onlyfans when I turn 18, by then the feminine features in my body could be more defined, and I know there's a lot of people who want to fuck femboys/trans girls, I'm starting to build a social media presence so that when I finally do it I'll get a small headstart, if I am very optimistic, I could move out of my house even before I finish college, by that point I'd have literally 0 reason to stay there anyways, at least socially my life would be fucked, and as I said before, I really don't want to do an office job, I'd probably kms during the first week, I'm currently also starting to build a yutube channel, but I'll have several with different "Characters", I won't take any money from that, because I don't want to work with an american company, I'd try to take sponsorships though, I also want to have hope that when you die you are just reborn, and I want to have hope to be born in a better condition than this, I'd like to not cry every day, not have mental breakdowns every 2 weeks, and not have to hug one of my plushies or my pillow to fall asleep, in short, I don't want to be pathetic like I am now, i'd still like to be gender nonconforming though, conforming to your gender is boring.
Still, most days I just think that I should've just gathered the courage to grab my pencil sharpener razor and cut every vein in my body the day I tried to kill myself, it would have been painful, but maybe it would have been worth it, I know noone would miss me, and my parents probably would have just had another child.
Soviet song of the day: Zvezda Po Imeni Soltse (Star called sun)
Played Pavlov again after so long, and just...fuck, I still have the gift, it was such a beautiful feeling, being able to take my mind off of everything and do something that made me happpy and willing to live again, at the beginning I was having a heart attack because I hadn't been in a multiplayer match in what felt like an entire industrial revolution, but then I calmed down, locked in and played, like I always used to.
My school set up its christmas decorations, but you know, after I turned 5 or 6 I stopped looking at christmas decorations and saying "omg they look pretty" and instead I now say "Someone's gonna have to take that off eventually and that's gonna be fucking me or the cats are gonna take it by themselves eventually".
Besides this, I just haven't been excited about christmas since I was 10, even less now, so I feel like it's kinda useless, and I hate the hypocresy of my parents when they say something like "We won't celebrate independence day cause the country is going to shit" Yeah well more than half the world's population is in a horrible condition, and the entire world is going to shit, so why celebrate Christmas anyways?
Sitting in our mud filled ditch that we called our base, our general said:
I will be completely honest with all of you, it feels like...we have already effectively lost this war, and we only have two options, the first one is to surrender, they see it as a waste of resources to kill only six of us, and they believe we are demoralised enough to never rise against them again, the second option is of course to keep fighting until the very end, I will not give you illusions of a possible victory because there almost certainly isn't a possibility for one, first we'd have to break free of this encirclement using our rifles loaded with half a magazine, and then keep pushing until we take what remains of the country, the only advantage we have is that currently they are completely disorganised, but nonetheless...what will it be?
Me and the other four remaining soldiers agreed to keep fighting, after all we didn't really have anything to go back to, our houses were most likely destroyed and since we were the founding members of this revolution we had made a pact of sorts to not have families or anyone to be attached to until it was succesful.
It was hard to tell how the general felt about our decision, he had a face that made it feel like he was feeling relief and worriness at the same time, he started planning what could be our last counter offensive, and we all went to our rooms.
That night I had a nightmare, the enemy finally managed to place a bullet inside my heart, it was slow, painful and devastating, I had finally lost and would never have a chance to recover from the mistake that made that happen, feeling like that very same thing could happen in a few days only made that feeling worse.
I petted my grandparents dog today.
I also ate a banana after eating an unusually high amount of food and felt like shit.
I love having girl smelling hair...
I mean, I've never smellt a girl's hair before, but I've started using girl shampoo and it makes my hair smell really nice, so I assume this is how girl hair smells like.
Lately I've been thinking, I do want to leave this country, I want to go to Iceland or New Zealand, they're both meaningless in the global stage, war will never reach them, well maybe New Zealand, but it's unlikely, there is no crime, there are good social protections, there is peace among the people, but if I did I would just be a coward, I would just be running away from everything a lot of people aren't able to, but if I had someone to run with then I would definitely do it, I'd find a way to still help my homeland from one of these countries and I'd continue helping there, I would be happy like that, but I know that's never going to happen, I've been trying not to think too much about it, but the thought always comes back, and really in this position I wouldn't be of much help anyways, whenever I get home my bed just calls for me, when I start to lay on it there's nothing that can pull me out.
Maybe one day I won't be scared of death anymore, and maybe that day I'll finally be able to end my life, but I just hope that by that point I would've helped enough people to deserve a happy afterlife, if there is one.