Sorry guys deleted all my schitzo posts, gonna see what I do with this now...
My trip to Sweden will be recorded in here
I just started watching girls und panzer and...oh it's beautiful, girls und panzer where have you been all my life?
For the first time in my life I don't have a clue of what the future looks like, I used to be able to predict the future, with pretty good accuracy I must say, but now I can't, all my recent predictions have been wrong in one way or another, and honestly it sucks.
I hate life, everything about it, I have to do school work for subjects I couldnt give less of a shit about or lamguages that I hate, when I come home I only have an hour to do whatever I like and then Im forced to go to sleep and repeat the same process again.
Besides that, even if I did enjoy school, so what then? when Im an adult Ill be forced to work an inhumane amount for a boss I hate to earn money that I won't have any fucking time to use, and when I get home Ill get home to a house that will need to be cleaned in the weekend with nothing or noone to make me happy that Im home.
I wish I could just kill myself, honestly, I wish I had an auto shotgun, aim it at myself and set it to full auto and do a mechanism to aim for the head first and then tear apart all that's left of my body, however there isn't really a way for me to do so, and I can't kill myself, like, I actually can't, somehow Im so incompetent that I can't even kill myself right, it turns out that if you try to choke yourself your hands just...give up eventually, and there's no way to control them, but maybe Im just a coward and I ignored this fact and deep down I knew I wasn't going to die and the only thing that I'd acomplish was to leave a humilliating memory of the event, it wasn't even traumatic, just...humilliating.
Christmas is near, bit in the end Christmas is just another reminder of my past defeats, I will never forget what I saw on Christmas of 2022, so horrible, so humilliating, I didn't know it then but now I know life is just mocking me, maybe it is a punishment, or maybe it's just the work of a sadistic god that needs something to entertain itself.
Why am I talking about Christmas if it's just November? cause Im giving someone their Christmas gift tomorrow, I know I won't see them on Christmas, In fact I don't know if I'll see them again, and I know ehat I'm doing is stupid, but I have to do this.
Все, что я хочу на Рождество — это ты.
My birthday is also near, but once again, it's meaningless to celebrate it, one more year of defeats, and...wait how old am I?...
Ok Im gonna turn 16, so I have 29 years of life left, why 29? I sinply have a feeling that Ill die when Im 45, but once again, my predictions have been wrong before and they may be wrong now, so.
Either way, as I was saying, if my parents really wanted to make something nice for my birthday they'd let me stay in my room all day doing whatever the fuck I want, I don't want to see my fucking family even if they have presents.
I wish I could be ignorant or selfish, then I could be happy, but people like me can't afford that luxury.
As the end of this period of my life looms closer, people keep telling me I should feel happy, however that is definitely not what I feel, instead I feel a sense of unacomplishment, desperation, deception, dissapointment, frustraion and uncertainty in my current situation and my future, even though it started well enough, its end was...bad, to say the least, everything ended worse than it already was, I achieved nothing, instead moving backwards in my goals, and I am going on a shitty school trip that's gonna add 2 more weeks of school and take away half of my vacations.
While this may seem a lot like a white privileged fuck thing to say, I am going to Sweden, and Im already fucking hating it, Sweden is apparently the third happiest country in the world, and to me that means 2 things, either they are extremely ignorant, or they are extremely selfish, there's no in-between, it has to be one of them, to be happy you need to be one of those things.
The school made us pay 3500USD for the trip so they could earn the most amount of money while cheaping out on everything else, the plane tickets had to be bought spearately and the flight agency charged us almost twice what a normal flight would be, plus it's gonna be like going to North Korea, except that if you go out of the tour they wont shoot you or put you in jail, they just expel you from the school, the course we're taking is "In a Swedish context" meaning it's gonna be fucking useless in Mexico, and I have no plans on moving out of this country, and they're taking us to places absolutely noone wants to fucking go, a recicling plant is one of them, and Sweden doesn't even look pretty, it looks like everything there is made out of fucking aluminium, fucking container yard looking country.
Today I was walking to Chemistry class, and I heard a girl yell at another girl:
"
STOP FUCKING MINORS!!!!
"
or, heard in Spanish:
"
DEJA DE COGERTE A MENORES!!!!
"
they don't feel good to touch
filled with bruises and scars
most accidental, but some intentional
bloodied,
some of that blood isn't mine...
But your hands look soft,
theyre clean and look nice and gentle to the touch
and that's why I know that...
I will never hold your hand.
Kids, on Sunday I looked at god in the eye, and He looked back, I said that I would never get sick again, but 2 hours later, I got sick, my stomach hurt a lot and I puked, I didn't come to school today, yesterday technically cause today is already tuesday, but well I spent my day cutting cardboard, I wanted to play ksp but I didnt for some reason, I did play pjsekai which somehow makes me feel a bit better whenever Im sick, and now Im watching Haruhi Suzumiya which is legit one of the greatest things ive seen in my life, and all the songs are so good, Id actually buy a cd of the entire soundtrack, Im actually gonna buy a 0art of the manga soon when I have more money.
lol, just checked on amazon and fs25 is the #1 launch in pc games...lmao
With every passing day, I start to believe more and more that the world we inhabit in in fact, isn't real.
A few weeks ago I read an article about scientists working on a device to make mere seconds feel like thousands of years, and this could be implemented in prisons to use the space better and quicker, but then I started thinking, what if thats exactly what is happening to us? think about it, there is noone who is truly happy in the world, everyone lives in some kind of misery, even the richest people of society, so maybe we are destined to live a shitty life in order to make up for our past crimes, the shorter your life or the nicer the less severe the crime, and maybe some of our personality from the previous world translates to this, maybe I was a genocidal dictator in the real world and thats why Im here, maybe the real world is exactly like this one, except that everything that went right there went wrong here, or
Wait...if we look at it from a religious point of view, maybe we are in purgatory, a last chance to redeem our past mistakes, a challenge that if passed will grant us an entrance to heaven and if failed will lead us to an eternal hell, that way everything about this world makes sense.
However, this is in a grander scale, if I look at it in an individual scale, then the prison theory is more coherent, this world just feels...especially tailored for me to suffer through it, Im always sorrounded by people who feel like a mockery from the universe directed specifically towards me, everyone around me has things that I wish I had, they're people who I wish I was, but no matter how hard I try I will never be able to be like them, and now Ive given up, so if the prison theory is correct there should be 3 outcomes, I live my entire life like this until I inevitably die and wake up in the real world, maybe I will wake up soon now that my spirits are essentially broken, or maybe the suffering will only get worse and more unbearable, of course if we are to follow this theory we should also take into consideration the way a person dies, maybe if its by suicide the person will have to go through their sentence again, reborn as a new person in an even worse condition as some sort of punishment for ending their own suffering early, if the person dies of natural causes or a disease then maybe that should be considered as the person finishing theur sentence, .
However, the method of suicide would also be considered, sacrificing oneself for something they think is worth fighting for may be an act of redemption, maybe for the less dangerous criminals this opportunity is given to them as an option to end their punishment early.
However, with all this said if we are to assume that every single person in the world was imprisoned for something in the real world, it is very obvious that the real world looks very different than the one we live in, around 1/800th of pur worlds population is in jail, so that would mean that if the other world is similar to ours, it would have to have around 6 trillion, 400 billion people, and potentially the physical size of the world would also be around 800 times bigger than this one, and if this is the case, then I am not sure what world would it be more terrifying to live in.